BREAKING NEWS...

Killer Kitty Caught!

Madison, Wisconsin - Last night, Madison animal control officers and local police, in cooperation with the SPCA and PETA, apprehended the notorious Kitty ?Whiskers? Kat, Peterson family pet and long time member of the radical animal rights group ?Black Persians.? The anonymous tip on Whisker?s whereabouts came in yesterday afternoon not even 24 hours after the Wisconsin Conservation Congress voted to give hunters permission to kill cuddly critters like him due in part to the increase in the stray population and the numerous terrorist acts they carry out on a wide variety of small, helpless birds and animals. Proposal for the enactment of a bill aiming to eradicate this menacing problem came from La Crosse firefighter Mark Smith who told reporters that these "feral domestic cats? are essentially hardened criminals that kill ?millions of small mammals, song and game birds" every year, adding that the state of Wisconsin should classify these fearful felines as an unprotected species.

Once it was learned that criminal kitties were in danger of being targeted by far right-wing hunters and pro-gun fanatics, the SPCA and PETA mobilized to help bring Whiskers into custody to avoid having him become a victim of violent and radical vigilantism. When we contacted PETA for an official statement regarding their position on protecting the rights of ?feral domestic cats,? they neglected to return our calls. However, an ALCU (Animal Civil Liberties Union) attorney representing Whiskers made a brief statement claiming that their client?s due process rights were being violated. The lawyer said that ?if people hunted down and killed domestic dogs in this manner, they would be thrown in jail. Just because our client doesn?t have the ability of speech, he still is able to communicate with us. He is alert and aware of his surroundings. At one point he even made a meowing sound that closely resembled the words ?Help me.? A website named savekitty.com was created and a petition is now being circulated in the hopes of bringing this issue the national and international attention it demands. The inhumane euthanasia of stray cats by gun-toting Nazis and brownshirts from the NRA must be stopped!? When asked if they were in this for the long haul there assured us that if need be, they would take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court.

Demonstrators began forming outside the Dane County SCPA this morning where Whiskers was reportedly being held. Those in support of saving the animal from a horrible death by gunshot were carrying Bibles, gathering into prayer groups, singing songs of freedom and holding up placards reading ?Let Kitty Live.? On the other side of the street, counter-protesters arrived in pick-up trucks wearing blue jeans, flannel shirts, work boots, baseball caps and holstered side arms. They proceeded to pace the roadside carrying American flags and holding signs that read ?Let Kitty Die,? ?Cats Are Killers? and ?Hunters Are Nature?s Great Equalizers.? As the tensions grew, police officers had to be called in to keep the peace. Several times throughout the day, the police had to arrest young children attempting to enter the facility. They appeared to be sent in by the hunters to pose as loving children looking to adopt a pet. Once inside they could attempt to set the animal free thereby essentially making him fair game for hunting. When police noticed that the children were wearing camouflaged flannel shirts, Cabela's baseball caps and muddy boots, they rushed to apprehend them and lead them away in handcuffs.

Wisconsin Governor Jim Doyle originally indicated that if a cat-hunting bill passed through the state legislature, he would likely sign it into law, but then later came out to express his doubts about the plan. This drew ire from the SPCA, PETA and the ACLU. ?The government has no business passing down death sentences on innocent kitties. We expect our elected officials to protect life and provide every domestic animal with equal rights,? said an unnamed protester claiming to be affiliated with PETA. ?How would the politicians like it if they were abandoned by their owners, forced to live off the land for survival and then be hunted down like a violent criminal? It?s just not fair!? Geraldo Rivera showed up this afternoon with a camera crew looking to cover the ordeal. Bill O'reilly is looking to do a segment devoted to the story on his popular evening show. The Vatican also gave some defense for the cat claiming that even Saint Francis of Assisi showed tremendous love for animals as they were all part of God?s creation. Even Rush Limbaugh (know cat owner) has come out in support of Whiskers. While not mentioning him by name, Rush voiced his concern that allowing these feline mercy killings would be akin to sliding down a slippery slope. A commonly used leftist polling group surveyed the usual cross section of inner city low income minorities and found that 89% of those interviewed feel that ?poppin? a cap in Kitty?s ass? was not a ?phat? thing for folks to be doing. Word has it that even some members of the US Congress were considering stepping in with legislation aimed at saving Kitty?s life, but given the fact that the laws they come up with are routinely shot down by activist federal judiciaries, they?ve gotta wonder why they would even bother getting involved in the first place.